A Hot, Buttery Take on Wine Tariffs

Pass the popcorn, bitches.

Someone is going to comment “How can you be so dumb and insensitive?” and I am ready for it.

Y’all, shit is so wild out there that I couldn’t keep watching. Following the news is like binge-watching a raunchy, violent 8-season HBO docuseries on cocaine. I can’t keep up, so I stopped trying. Now that I’ve opted out of the news cycle, I spend more time these days wondering why I developed hemorrhoids recently than I do hand-wringing over wine tariffs. (Although, in reconsidering, perhaps the hemorrhoids are a direct symptom of the pervasive stress of living under the current administration! I will show my asshole to the President and see what he thinks).

But, try as I might to stay out of the fray, this weekend, I got more than a few DMs and texts and “how about them wine tariffs?!” comments (while I was trying to enjoy my birthday Sangiovese!) than I could ignore, so I did a quick sweep of the news this morning to check in. (When I do this, I also wonder how much of the news is still legitimate and then go down my signature “what is reality anyway” existential Stevie spiral.)

Trump has threatened a 200% tariff on European booze imported into the U.S.

This guy.

What a gem.

My thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Are we really talking about alcohol prices when the physical bodies and legitimate corporal lives of women, immigrants, trans people, etc. etc. etc. are absolutely in FUCKING PERIL as Trump pulls our rights and our access to things like medical care and shelter out from under us?

   1. Yes apparently we are.

2. Did you see the part about how Trump said “This will be great for the Wine and Champagne businesses in the U.S.” and he’s such a dumb-fuck that he said there is a capital-C Champagne business in the U.S. when actually, jack-off, only the Champagne region of France can produce Champagne and call it that!!!

   1. Did you see the part about how Trump is such an idiotic bratty two-year-old that he doesn’t understand economic policy and how this shit Does. Not! Remotely!! Help!!! the U.S. Wine Industry!!!! Seriously, how is he so fucking dumb.

3. Are we really so shallow as to whine about our economic wellbeing and how our financial livelihoods might be in peril if the tariffs go through, as if our financial livelihood even matters in the face of a shattered democracy where we have NO FUCKING SAY ANYMORE?

   1. YUP.

   2. If you say we have a say and that our votes still matter then you haven’t been paying attention since January 6, 2021, and especially since January 20, 2025, as Trump has flat-out annihilated any person who dares to disobey his sweeping fascism.

      1. Fascism : a populist political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual, that is associated with a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, and that is characterized by severe economic and social regimentation and by forcible suppression of opposition.

   3. If you voted for Trump, congratulations, you literally asked to live under fascism, and since that is apparently what you wanted, then giddy up motherfuckers, because heeeeeere weeeeeee gooooooooooooo!

4. Now that I am strapped in (against my will!) to this roller coaster through the abode of the damned, I would ask you to please pass the popcorn, bitches. I am not saying “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” because that would be insane, and I will sacrifice myself before I reveal that my neighbors are Jews so our government can take them to Auschwitz, but I am going to ask you to pump an extra squirt of that greasy movie-theater “butter” juice all up on my popcorn while I put my grimy, still damp, just-went-to-the-bathroom shoe soles right up close to your head, resting comfy-cozy-like on the seat in front of me, because that’s apparently what self-centered, not-my-problem “innocent” democrats like me do these days.

   1. This epic sci-fi blockbuster movie is stranger than fiction, and the casting director and makeup guys did an Oscar-award-worthy job with the headlining villain.

Look. I hate to make light of this shit, and what I’m saying here is all very rushed and controversial, and I’d like to explain more smartly and empathetically why I’m not going to be bothered for now by the news of potential wine tariffs, and why I’m choosing to direct my energy to more urgent-to-me matters right now, but I have to hurry and get this post published, because in ten minutes, there will be new news, and the 200% wine tariff headline will make way for one about Trump saying “I never said that,” or maybe he’ll have changed his mind to make it 700% tariffs, or maybe there will be an even likelier headline about Tesla cars suddenly piping weird hypnotizing propaganda fumes into their cabins while the radio plays Powerman 5000’s “Relax” so that drivers are all brainwashed Zoolander-style into karate-chopping off the heads of the Canadian Prime Minister…

Do you know what goes great with cheap movie theater popcorn? Expensive, tariffed-to-fuck Champagne. Excuse me, I have to go pop some.